I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You pole danced in your parka.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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