I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
