Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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