if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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