she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
