Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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