I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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