May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
