im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I need water and some morals
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
