Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
