Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
