Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
