Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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