I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
