i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
