Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
