the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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