You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Randomize
