So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
