you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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