right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
