Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
