i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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