there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
