It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
