I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
