i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
