As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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