Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
