Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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