I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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