New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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