Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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