i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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