Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
