Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
