i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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