i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
