i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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