i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
