she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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