did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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