I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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