I wish I could punch you in the face.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
