I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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