you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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