He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
