it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
