3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
