I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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